lonely and lost my passion

 Bismillah

Pejam celik dah nak dekat setahun melepasi chapter baru dalam hidup : housemanship. It's hard and I could say the hardest thing so far I need to overcome throughout my entire life. Padahal time medical school boleh tahan ujian yang datang menyinggah tapi now I started to realized why housemanship is tougher than medical school.

Entah, bila masuk housemnaship rasa sangat lonely even I can work well with others. Takdelah work well sangat, tapi untuk kerja dan buat ward works sama-sama tu memang takde masalah sangatlah. Walaupun bila jumpa depan-depan tak reti nak tegur nak bersembang dan beramah mesra.

Being an introvert sometimes put me in a really hard situation. Susah sangat nak buat kawan, susah nak cari kawan yang betul ngam, lagilah nak share certain thoughts. Susah. Sangat. Kalau dulu dekat Jordan, sangat senang nak cari kawan yang boleh duduk borak sembang berjam-jam pun tak puas. Sharing everything and all your thoughts even the craziest one, telling every secrets and feelings, without being scared people might misjudged you for your words. Kalau tersalah cakap pun never mind I could correct it next time we chit chat again HAHA.

Dekat hospital apart from ward works I'm always restrain myself to talk. I will be so talkative to everyone that I'm comfortable with tapi sekarang, banyak senyap. Being alone is better kot. 

And this situation really make myself fill so lonely even being surrounded with so many people. Bila last sekali sembang pasal good deeds, purpose of life, future, passion I don't even know.. Padahal betapa banyak benda yang jadi dalam ward kita boleh reflect balik, berapa banyak boleh jadi iktibar dan pengajaran. I'm so afraid that my heart become so numb. Satu sebab yes no mates to talk with, secondly sebab terlampau focus buat kerja sampai tak ingat apa tujuan utama kita bekerja.

If dulu boleh study sampai larut malam, stay kat library, study group kemain semangat, sekarang dah jadi debu bertebangan kot. I lost my passion time by time. Satu sebab ye lah tak banyak masa, tapi satu lagi maybe jugak teman untuk study tu dah takde and I'm completely self dependant. Takde exam, takde orang nak nilai, takde doktor nak tanya-tanya. Kalau kita tanya pun dia penat and malas nak jawab and the list goes on.

Oh how I miss the moment. And how I miss Jordan.

Kerja HO memang penat, I'm really appreciating myself for not quitting and still remaining in this path. Tapi I really did losing my old self (at least half of it) Aku sangat takut jadi makin insensitive even in treating patient. I really in need of some advices and a person that shared the same thoughts as me. Patient LO pun lama-lama makin immune. Apatah lagi nak cakap dengan relative, nak share good words pun jarang terjadi. Mana entah doktor ummah kononnya yang diangan-angankan dulu.

Maybe ada jumpa sorang dua yang betul-betul click (I could name it) tapi yes memang tak ramai and jodoh tak panjang. Yelah rotation asyik bertukar, jadual pun, how could you expect working with the same person kan. 

I do try to become a better person even me myself is the only source of motivation. Try to read good books, try baca al-Quran at least sikit pun takpe in a day, try to read mathurat everyday before getting to work, try to not miss tahajjud etc. 

I really hope in someday Allah will get me through this. Sometimes I thought I'm feeling so lonely and demotivated sebab most of my friends getting married even dah dapat anak while me masih menunggu putera yang tak jatuh-jatuh dari langit HAHA. But maybe I was wrong, I just felt lonely sebab lost contact dengan kawan-kawan yang sangat aku selesa dan sayang dulu. Bila share masalah rasa macam melepaskan segala benda dalam hati. Even just staring at their faces lessen my burden a bit. Jumpa and makan nasik lauk telur goreng dengan kicap saje sekali pun dah jadi pengubat jiwa (not even sharing problems yet)

Apapun, hasbunallah wanikmal wakil. People that we loved will not always be by our side but Allah is. Mungkin Allah nak ajar, waktu kita rasa takde siap kat dalam dunia ni, He always there, He always watching and hearing. Dia tahu what deep insde your heart even without you saying it.

Ya Allah maafkan aku jadi hamba yang tak reti bersyukur dengan segala nikmat yang Engkau berikan.

Maafkan aku jadi hamba yang selalu lupa dalam beribadat kepada-Mu

Maakan aku jadi hamba yang selalu merasa tak cukup dengan apa yang Engkau beri

Maafkan aku jadi selalu lupa mengingatkan orang lain

Maafkan aku atas segala perkataan yang keluar dari mulut

Maakan aku untuk segala dosa yang tak terkira, yang telah aku lakukan sepanjang setahun dalam housemanhip

Ya Allah,

Moga aku dikurniakan hati yang terang untuk sentiasa mengingat-Mu dan mengikhlaskan kerja kerana-Mu

Moga aku sentiasa berasa cukup dengan adanya Engkau ya Allah.

Dan moga sahabat-sahabat dulu dipermudahkan segala urusan. Moga ukhuwah masih utuh. Moga kita dipertemukan kembali, kalau tak di dunia, moga-moga ia ikhlas kerana Allah dan cukup untuk mendapat perlindungan di bawah arasy Allah di syurga nanti.

I miss you guys, A LOT :')